"We'll Grieve Later"

"Grief is not an enemy to be avoided, it is a healing path to be walked." 

There are lots of things in life that simply won't settle with being put on hold.

The other day I was already on my phone in the church office when another call came in for me.  Our secretary paged me and I told her I was already on the line.  Her response was, "This can't wait."  I excused myself from the conversation I was currently in and switched over to the new call.  After just a few seconds of listening I realized our secretary (as always!) was right- this was a call I needed to take, right then!

Grief and mourning are just like that second phone call- they cannot wait or be put on hold.  They are emotions that call for validation, affirmation, and attention in the present.    We can try to push them away and ignore them (what we call repression), but eventually they will be addressed!  We can either address them now when they are fresh with some level of control and understanding, or we can be at their mercy later when they well-up from deep inside of us, demanding to be noticed.

Grief can also be like that kid in the mall who stands next to his mother, pulling on her pant leg, shouting "Mommy mommy mommy mommy" incessantly.  The customers who walk by point and shake their heads; the mother is the only one unaware of the begging child.  Everyone else can see it but her!  "Can't she see he needs something?  Doesn't she hear him?"  In the same way, sometimes everyone around us can see our grief pulling at our pant leg but us.  "Doesn't she know how different she looks?  Is she aware of how she's coming across to others?  Has she really given herself permission to grieve?"

I remember watching a news report not long after the tragic explosion in the town of West, TX.  The schools were getting ready to re-open and the Mayor of West was telling reporters (my paraphrase),

"We need to get our kids back to some sense of normalcy.  We'll grieve later.  Today we need to get back to school."

 Clearly all of us know what the Mayor was trying to say, because it's probably what all of us would say, too, and have done in the past in our own families.  We need to get the kids to focus on something else besides all of this death and destruction and sadness, so let's help them feel normal again.  Let's get them back into a familiar rhythm.  The need for routine and normalcy is common and, in many ways, a very necessary and healthy part of the grieving process.  A child's first reaction to the sudden death of a parent might be, to our surprise, asking the surviving parent "Who is going to take me to school tomorrow?"  Clearly children are seeking normalcy and familiarity as they struggle to put the pieces together- a return to routine is part of that journey for them.

But this desire for normalcy, for a feeling of something solid, and this incessant need that many adults have to "shield" their kids from the painful process of grief can cause more bad than good, when it tries to circumvent the grief journey altogether.  As adults we probably feel better when it appears our kids gone back to their "old schedule", but in reality grief tugs at our children's pant legs just as it does our own as parents.  A future post will focus on the importance of children, when possible, attending the funeral of the loved one they have lost.  Ritual and symbolism are extremely important to all of us, whether children or adults, in helping us move through grief.

For children and adults alike:

Grief needs to be addressed, not ignored. 

Grief needs to be gone through, not skirted around. 

And grief needs to be validated, not condemned.

Sure, we can say "I'll grieve later" especially when we feel like we are doing it for the "sake of the kids."  But grief will not be put on hold forever.  It will tug at us until we pay attention.  We will slowly return to a "new normal" in time- for now, it is good and proper for us to go "to a house of mourning" (Ecc. 7:2)

"We are doing well with our grief when we are grieving.  Somehow we have it backwards.  We think people are doing well when they aren't crying.  Grief is a process of walking through some painful periods toward learning to cope again.  We do not walk this path without pain and tears.  When we are in the most pain, we are making the most progress.  When the pain is less, we are coasting and resting up for the next steps.  People need to grieve.  Grief is not an enemy to be avoided, it is a healing path to be walked."   -Doug Manning, The Gift of Significance