Lessons from a Fellow Mourner

The other day I was blessed to spend some time with an older lady who was widowed one year ago.  We met to talk about her journey of grief and what she has learned and gained from her experience.  To say our time together was enlightening would be an understatement.  You see, all of us will go through times of grief in our lives, but not all of us will be as aware and as attentive as she was in "taking it all in" and really processing our grief experience.  For me personally, my grief journey at the death of my father is still in a lot of fog- I have been able to recall parts of it, but much of it is still lost to me.  In contrast, this sweet sister kept three daily journals, some of which she shared with me.  They are full of her thoughts, feelings, experiences, and moments that she wanted to capture, both on good days and bad days.

I wanted to share a few of her insights here regarding grief, especially as a widow:

• The moment of loss becomes, for many, the "defining moment" from which someone in grief bases all other life moments.  Just like scientists use the terms "B.C" and "A.D." as defining markers in history, so many of us use the terms "before I lost him" and "after I lost him" to tell time in life after we lose someone.  Without even realizing it, we will use those terms in conversations that have nothing to do with loss or that person.  For example, we might say in a conversation about a car we used to own, "Yeah, before John died I had a car just like that."
  
• One of the hardest things to measure after a loss is how, and if, we're growing spiritually and mentally in a healthy way.  Journaling, for those that enjoy writing, is an excellent way to record thoughts and feelings each day, so that later on you can go back and see the changes in our outlook and demeanor.  Grief provides enough of a roller coaster emotionally that judging whether or not we have progressed in any real way can be incredibly difficult.  We can go for weeks without really acknowledging or remembering how we felt the day before.  Days run together and become a blur.  Journaling freezes our emotions for us and records them for us to serve as a measuring line.
  
• We live, and the church operates in, a "couples world."  The idea of "husband, wife, and kids" is so ingrained in our minds that we have difficulty seeing the world through any other kind of lens.  This is not necessarily a terrible way to view life (it is certainly a Godly lens), but it has the common consequence of leaving those who have been widowed on the sideline, the periphery, to grieve alone.  The church is full of couples who arrive together, sit and worship together, fellowship together in the hallway, and leave together for a meal.  We acknowledge our widowed brothers and sisters while we are in church with them, but ultimately we forget (because we are not trained to look for it) that they arrive alone, worship alone (many times but not all the time), and (worst of all, according to my friend) leave the church alone.  As ministers, elders, and church members, we need to re-train our eyes and hearts to look for these solitary brothers and sisters who have lost their "better-half," who have gone from two to one, and reach out to them.  Invite them to a meal, sit with them during worship, even just walk with them to their car.  The "alone-ness" is one of the most difficult physical aspects of grief at the loss of a spouse.
  
• The "seasons of sentiment" are very lopsided for those who are grieving.  The holidays tend to bring an "over-showering" of sentiment for those who have lost a loved one because everyone around them (friends and family) are suddenly remembering how hard the holidays will be for them.  But they forget the other days of the year many times.  The holidays might be difficult, but so are springs where suddenly "spring cleaning" has to be done alone, summers where vacations for "just the two of you" no longer can take place, and autumns where enjoying the changing leaves can no longer be shared.  Let's not just remember our friends who have lost loved ones during Christmas and Thanksgiving- let's remember that grief doesn't take a holiday, and that we need to be mindful year-round of their grief journey.

 These are just a few of those insights, shared by a wonderful sweet sister who has much to share, and for whose life and experiences I am grateful.  May each of us find ways to encourage others as she has.

Grief: Not Just a "Death" Reaction

The emotional response that we call "grief" can be triggered by events other than the loss of a loved one.

The other day I met with a young lady who had recently been in her first car accident.  She had just gotten her license a few months back and had owned her new car for just a little over a week.  She failed to yield at a green light while making a left turn and was hit by an oncoming driver- an older man whom she happened to be previously acquainted with.  His reaction of anger, blame, and yelling did not help the situation.  No one was seriously injured, but both cars were damaged and in need of repair.

As we talked about her mental and emotional struggle to come to deal with anxiety and frustration over what happened, and as I listened to her describe what she was feeling and experiencing in the days following the accident, it suddenly occurred to me: she's going through a period of grief.  Not grief over the specific situation of losing someone, but grief in the more general sense of having just gone through a traumatic experience that temporarily turned everything upside down for her...and isn't that what losing someone does to us?

Clearly, the expression of grief can come about even without a death.  Many of the basic symptoms of grief can come about simply through a traumatic experience.  Symptoms such as an inability to focus on anything but that event, nervousness and anxiety, difficulty sleeping, depression, guilt and regret, and conflicting reactions to other people trying to help ("I value your help" almost simultaneously with "Leave me alone").

Once I realized that she was, in essence, grieving, I figured it best to give her what all of us who grieve need most:  permission.  Permission to be on a roller coaster of emotion for a while.  Permission to be alone at times and to need to be around people at other times.  Permission to "get away" from everything for a bit when she needed a break from constantly dwelling on the accident.  Most of all, I wanted her to realize that "It's OK not to be OK for a while."  The body, both emotionally and mentally, is simply trying to put everything back together.  A car accident, even without a death, physically, mentally, and emotionally throws us out of whack, and we have to gather the pieces again, much like after a loss.

The disciples after the storm on the lake...Peter nearly drowning when he tried to walk out to Jesus on the water...Malchus having his ear removed by Peter's sword and re-attached by the hand of Jesus...Judas after he realizes the depth of his betrayal...all of these characters were going through a grief process, only without a loss to accompany it.

As those who mourn and those who help mourners, let us remember to be sensitive to even "non-loss" situations, because anytime there is a traumatic event, grief is not far off.