Grief: Not Just a "Death" Reaction

The emotional response that we call "grief" can be triggered by events other than the loss of a loved one.

The other day I met with a young lady who had recently been in her first car accident.  She had just gotten her license a few months back and had owned her new car for just a little over a week.  She failed to yield at a green light while making a left turn and was hit by an oncoming driver- an older man whom she happened to be previously acquainted with.  His reaction of anger, blame, and yelling did not help the situation.  No one was seriously injured, but both cars were damaged and in need of repair.

As we talked about her mental and emotional struggle to come to deal with anxiety and frustration over what happened, and as I listened to her describe what she was feeling and experiencing in the days following the accident, it suddenly occurred to me: she's going through a period of grief.  Not grief over the specific situation of losing someone, but grief in the more general sense of having just gone through a traumatic experience that temporarily turned everything upside down for her...and isn't that what losing someone does to us?

Clearly, the expression of grief can come about even without a death.  Many of the basic symptoms of grief can come about simply through a traumatic experience.  Symptoms such as an inability to focus on anything but that event, nervousness and anxiety, difficulty sleeping, depression, guilt and regret, and conflicting reactions to other people trying to help ("I value your help" almost simultaneously with "Leave me alone").

Once I realized that she was, in essence, grieving, I figured it best to give her what all of us who grieve need most:  permission.  Permission to be on a roller coaster of emotion for a while.  Permission to be alone at times and to need to be around people at other times.  Permission to "get away" from everything for a bit when she needed a break from constantly dwelling on the accident.  Most of all, I wanted her to realize that "It's OK not to be OK for a while."  The body, both emotionally and mentally, is simply trying to put everything back together.  A car accident, even without a death, physically, mentally, and emotionally throws us out of whack, and we have to gather the pieces again, much like after a loss.

The disciples after the storm on the lake...Peter nearly drowning when he tried to walk out to Jesus on the water...Malchus having his ear removed by Peter's sword and re-attached by the hand of Jesus...Judas after he realizes the depth of his betrayal...all of these characters were going through a grief process, only without a loss to accompany it.

As those who mourn and those who help mourners, let us remember to be sensitive to even "non-loss" situations, because anytime there is a traumatic event, grief is not far off.